Lost In Absence

Restless

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 03:09:41 GMT

I wish that I was older than 20. I feel like it is such an anti-climatic number. I want to be done with school so that I can move out of this sleepy city and start my life. It seems as if school holds the same obligations that children do; you can't move around a lot, uproot your life and follow your desires, or even quit your job. I see people my age getting married and having kids and I can't even comprehend doing something like that at this point in my life. I am so wrapped up in school and work that I wouldn't even have time for a relationship. Sure, I would have SOME time, but barely any for myself. I honestly feel sorry for people who rush into things like marriage and starting a family.

I was in a three month relationship last year and already my ex had been talking about marriage and kids and all that jazz. I was more than freaked out, let's say. So, working on my relationship took the number one priority in my life....school took the backburner and I screwed myself over this year because of how little effort I put into my classes. I don't know that if I tried dating someone again, if I would be able to balance my life this time or if I would make all the same mistakes over again. So I guess I am doomed to live a fairly lonely life for the next two years....Graduation. I just want a Not-Boyfriend. Someone within a fairly close distance who I can call in the middle of the night. You can tell how restless I have been lately.

I used to not worry about things like this. I miss those days. I am still a very mellow person, but I have become a lot more cautious regarding decisions in my life. I hate that.

Whoever You Are

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 02:49:57 GMT

I like that it really doesn't matter what I do at this point in my life. I could do anything and I think I would be fine in the end. I want to go to Australia, Tokyo, or some place between here and anywhere else. I have outgrown this quaint city I live in and I need an adventure. I want to be free. I do not want to be a part of society. I just want to be happy, and worrying about how I am going to make that happen is quite counter-productive. Even though there are people in my life whom I love and care about, I still feel alone most of the time.

I am completely content with being on my own, but lately I have been having these pangs to share myself with someone. The last relationship I was in, I devoted all my time and care into....and I only ended up hurting someone who loved me.. It was too bad I couldn't return the sentiment. Nothing went wrong really. It just wasn't right. The next time I truly open my life to someone, I will try not to make the same mistake. I do not think of myself as a selfish person, but I am aware of my needs and wants. I don't NEED anyone. But I do WANT someone. I just do not know who they are yet. Maybe it is someone who is already in my life, or someone who I have yet to meet. Either way, I want to let whoever they may be....know that...

I love you.

When She Was Odd

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 00:37:10 GMT

Since all the social networks have become clogged like a pool drain, it really makes me appreciate the peaceful nature of the "blog". It makes me smile that some people can still revel in the subtle pleasures of talking about themselves (myself included). It has always been a plight of mine, however, trying to to think of something interesting to write about. It almost becomes motivation to make my life more exciting (I am a failure in this category). Almost. I have never been one to surround her life with drama, but when I think about it, I really have had a more interesting life than I give credit. Between having a psychologically messed-up family and the affairs with older men... I must say that I am one odd cookie. I pride myself in this oddness that I saturate my personality with and no matter how much I complain about my social-ineptness, I smile everytime I can say with honesty, "I'm different".

A lot

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 22:03:17 GMT

A lot has happened the past few months. I dated. Regretted dating. Survived a transit strike. And still immobile. I started writing this, and I'm already bored and looking for new things. I will continue whenever I feel up to it again.

WTF

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 10:20:55 GMT

Ok, there goes another person to care about. I had decided to open up to my friend who told me he liked me. It turns out though that he "wasn't sure what he wanted". And I slept with him, because I liked him and wanted him to know that. I'm so stupid. I should have known better and now I feel broken all over again. So that means that Eddie, Steph, Sarah, and Dave have all stopped caring about me. He even told me that last night he lied about him being at work just so he didn't have to talk to me. That whether we are in a relationship or not has become "too much of a hassle". I hadn't decided on whether I wanted a relationship or not...I knew I liked him, but there's been a lot of other factors going on in my life that told me that I should wait until I move back into the city (where he lives) before "we" became official.

This could be a good thing. I guess it means I'm not supposed to be in a relationship right now. I just wish I didn't feel like such shit and that he had told me he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me before I slept with him. What a douche.

Gone

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 06:07:15 GMT

My sister still hasn't come home. I'm really worried about how she is, but mostly about whether or not she's going to ruin her life because of this. My mom is leaving town and my sister hasn't been enrolled in her school because she was starting somewhere new in fall. The friend she had been staying with, informed me she isn't there anymore and he hasn't heard from her in three days since she left. She staying with some guy I barely know with scuzzy friends and bad habits. There's nothing I can do about it though. She hasn't even bothered calling her own sister to tell her how she is. If she only cares about herself, she's going to end up being the only person she can rely on.

I'm tired. And I'm running out of people to care about.

Rejection

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:19:54 GMT

I finally got a reponse and it seems my suspicions were correct. He stopped caring. Therefore, I don't care! Wait, that's a lie. I do care! I care too much so I'm just going to have to find myself again. I was perfectly happy and content before I started talking to him. I let myself get too attatched, but now I remember why I never let people get too close.

So! Moving on. I had a sudden surge of independence and a strange need to go dancing (?). Why is it, whenever women have their feelings stomped on, they need to let their anger out on the dancefloor? Or is that just me? Oh well, I've become too reliant on him to help me through my problems the last few months so ENOUGH. I'm probably feeling so alone because I really miss my best friend. There's another story.

My best friend for more than ten years has left town. I haven't had much contact with her since she left, maybe a few text messages. Everytime I try to call her it goes straight to voicemail. Yet another rejection in my life. I'm happy that she was finally able to get out of this dead-end town, but it's the circumstances that upset me. She started dating this older guy a few months ago and I never thought it was going to last because she described to me how they have nothing in common and most of their time spent together was either in silence or sex. Promising. Well, another thing about this mystery guy is: I haven't met him. Her parents hadn't even met him until the day the two of them left to live together in another province; just shy of four months dating. I wish I knew how she is and if she's finding what she's looking for.

Another issue of rejection: My sister. I have no idea where she is. She's only sixteen and the friend she had been staying with the last few days informed me she isn't there anymore. My sister is a good looking girl and I don't want some guy to take advantage of her while she's staying at their place. And it's most likely that she is staying in the home of some guy who has a thing for her. I hate that I feel so worried and unncertain about my relationships with everyone in my life these days. It's like I've forgotten who I am.

Memo

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 01:18:19 GMT

Note to self: Stop Caring

Withdrawal

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 06:36:06 GMT

So that didn't work. Let's try something else.

My little sister ran away. By "ran away" I mean she's staying at a friend's house rather than at home where she should be. My mom doesn't know where she is and if she prolongs this rebellion she won't have a home anymore. Not my problem. I have my own issues to work out rather than indulge her need for attention. Do I sound bitter? Just disappointed. It's a shame you can't tell the kids that they should fess up because their world isn't as bad as it could get.

Right now I'm just trying to mellow out and stop being so needy and insecure about this guy. I've become addicted to him. A few days without contact seems like forever and I feel as if I'm going through phone-call withdrawal. I can't even call him, because everytime I do, I turn into a bumbling fool who can't remember why I wanted to call him in the first place. Really only just to hear his voice, but I would never tell him that. He doesn't want the girl who holds him back. I don't want to be that girl. I just want to be connected. Instead of phone calls I resorted to text messages (lame, I know), but all I could write was, "Talk to me". I'm still holding my breath.

Lost It

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:49:23 GMT

I was having one of those moments when I'm lying in bed and I can think of everything I want to write on here. Every single phrase, sentence structure, conjugation, blahblahblah. I had a fabulous entry all dreamed up in my head, but procrastination has let it slip away. Damn it. Maybe in a few minutes I will remember.