Saturday, July 26, 2008
Ok, there goes another person to care about. I had decided to open up to my friend who told me he liked me. It turns out though that he "wasn't sure what he wanted". And I slept with him, because I liked him and wanted him to know that. I'm so stupid. I should have known better and now I feel broken all over again. So that means that Eddie, Steph, Sarah, and Dave have all stopped caring about me. He even told me that last night he lied about him being at work just so he didn't have to talk to me. That whether we are in a relationship or not has become "too much of a hassle". I hadn't decided on whether I wanted a relationship or not...I knew I liked him, but there's been a lot of other factors going on in my life that told me that I should wait until I move back into the city (where he lives) before "we" became official.
This could be a good thing. I guess it means I'm not supposed to be in a relationship right now. I just wish I didn't feel like such shit and that he had told me he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me before I slept with him. What a douche.
Posted at 05:20 am by
sleepy
Power Nap
Friday, July 25, 2008
My sister still hasn't come home. I'm really worried about how she is, but mostly about whether or not she's going to ruin her life because of this. My mom is leaving town and my sister hasn't been enrolled in her school because she was starting somewhere new in fall. The friend she had been staying with, informed me she isn't there anymore and he hasn't heard from her in three days since she left. She staying with some guy I barely know with scuzzy friends and bad habits. There's nothing I can do about it though. She hasn't even bothered calling her own sister to tell her how she is. If she only cares about herself, she's going to end up being the only person she can rely on.
I'm tired. And I'm running out of people to care about.
Posted at 01:07 am by
sleepy
Power Nap
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I finally got a reponse and it seems my suspicions were correct. He stopped caring. Therefore, I don't care! Wait, that's a lie. I do care! I care too much so I'm just going to have to find myself again. I was perfectly happy and content before I started talking to him. I let myself get too attatched, but now I remember why I never let people get too close.
So! Moving on. I had a sudden surge of independence and a strange need to go dancing (?). Why is it, whenever women have their feelings stomped on, they need to let their anger out on the dancefloor? Or is that just me? Oh well, I've become too reliant on him to help me through my problems the last few months so ENOUGH. I'm probably feeling so alone because I really miss my best friend. There's another story.
My best friend for more than ten years has left town. I haven't had much contact with her since she left, maybe a few text messages. Everytime I try to call her it goes straight to voicemail. Yet another rejection in my life. I'm happy that she was finally able to get out of this dead-end town, but it's the circumstances that upset me. She started dating this older guy a few months ago and I never thought it was going to last because she described to me how they have nothing in common and most of their time spent together was either in silence or sex. Promising. Well, another thing about this mystery guy is: I haven't met him. Her parents hadn't even met him until the day the two of them left to live together in another province; just shy of four months dating. I wish I knew how she is and if she's finding what she's looking for.
Another issue of rejection: My sister. I have no idea where she is. She's only sixteen and the friend she had been staying with the last few days informed me she isn't there anymore. My sister is a good looking girl and I don't want some guy to take advantage of her while she's staying at their place. And it's most likely that she is staying in the home of some guy who has a thing for her. I hate that I feel so worried and unncertain about my relationships with everyone in my life these days. It's like I've forgotten who I am.
Posted at 07:19 pm by
sleepy
Power Nap
Monday, July 21, 2008
Note to self: Stop Caring
Posted at 08:18 pm by
sleepy
Power Nap
So that didn't work. Let's try something else.
My little sister ran away. By "ran away" I mean she's staying at a friend's house rather than at home where she should be. My mom doesn't know where she is and if she prolongs this rebellion she won't have a home anymore. Not my problem. I have my own issues to work out rather than indulge her need for attention. Do I sound bitter? Just disappointed. It's a shame you can't tell the kids that they should fess up because their world isn't as bad as it could get.
Right now I'm just trying to mellow out and stop being so needy and insecure about this guy. I've become addicted to him. A few days without contact seems like forever and I feel as if I'm going through phone-call withdrawal. I can't even call him, because everytime I do, I turn into a bumbling fool who can't remember why I wanted to call him in the first place. Really only just to hear his voice, but I would never tell him that. He doesn't want the girl who holds him back. I don't want to be that girl. I just want to be connected. Instead of phone calls I resorted to text messages (lame, I know), but all I could write was, "Talk to me". I'm still holding my breath.
Posted at 01:36 am by
sleepy
Power Nap
